salt melts the snail

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 09:52:05 GMT

recently i've been taking the dog for a walk in the morning. not by choice.
i can think of better things to do than pick up shit. sometimes

anyway
there's a house that always has a gang of magpies. i don't know if you can call it a murder of magpies like you can with crows, but it sure would be apt if you could
there is NINE of them.
one magpie in spring is bad enough. it only takes one magpie to take your eye. imagine the damage 9 could inflict
i know where i'm avoiding in a few months.
18 beady eyes watching you, wanting your sweet sweet eye juice

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 15:35:28 GMT

im going to start a pyramid scheme. you can get in on it if you want.
i'll be the peak and you can recruit the lower levels.
it works in this way.
you go and recruit people, they pay you money, and that gives them the ability to go and recruit and collect money from other people
initially you'll get a fixed 15% of all monies collected.
I'll get a fixed 30% of all money collected and then everyone else will get to keep the remaining 55% on a proportionate basis

it's beautiful in it's simplicity
don't question it. just accept

if this scheme.... sorry business model fails i'll have to establish myself as a sci-fi writer so that i can then start and found a religion

Mon, 28 May 2007 08:13:59 GMT

I was bored during a class today and so had decided to leave by the time the lecturer came. When he arrived I went up to him and said I was sorry but I wasn't able to stay for class. I tried to look as much like I was in a hurry as possible.

The end result was me almost running to my car, getting in and starting to quickly drive away before i realised "wait, im not actually in a hurry to get anywhere. that was all a bullshit excuse to leave class"

So I guess the point is that I can delude myself as long as it serves my purpose. awesome
You'll have to excuse me, I'm a very important person with important things to be doing

Sun, 06 May 2007 14:47:26 GMT

i love that the logies had jessica alba and michael weatherly. they were once engaged. how awkward

Wed, 02 May 2007 16:45:59 GMT

i think sometimes i forget how little i have going on.
i had an assignment due yesterday so i've been forced into 2 days of busy activity to do it and i was able to hand it in today and there was such a relief at finishing it.
i had to nap for a while to figure out what that relief was, and it was relief at accomplishing something.
im sure there's more stuff i can do
the problem i can't be bothered doing most of it
get a job - can't be fucked
do some charity work - can't be fucked
exercise more - can't be fucked
get up earlier - can't be fucked

there seems to be a recurring theme throughout my life
now all i need to do is find it

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 15:20:08 GMT

i don't know at what point subtle satire can be called the real thing
there has to be a point where you are sooooo subtle, that maybe you do believe in whatever it is you were satire

for instance someone says they like gregorian chant (hfmffphh as if that would ever happen. if you happened to research and listen to some chant and were then to convey to the person you were talking to that you too were interested in chant, when really you thought it was stupid and were being sarcastic, but you seemed so engrossed that the other person never realised, doesn't that mean that in their mind you love the chant?
and if you never let on and it remained a personal joke, and to everyone else it appears you love gregorian chant, does that mean you were really satirizing them?

i mean if you do too sublte a satire that it appears the real thing, isn't it not satire any more, but polite conversation
like when a great aunt talks racist and you just have to keep quiet because they come from a different era.

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 15:52:38 GMT

last week i went on my annual camping trip
i know, poor predictable iain
so set in his ways

i had been looking forward to the chance to burn some stuff and look through the stream for gold, real childhood stuff

everything from the beginning was off
it was hot, i was agitated, the sealed road was closed so you have to go cross country. my car is rubbish but i still dont like to be sitting in it hearing it fall apart from the grading on the road
so i was in a foul mood from the start

i got there and THERE WAS A TOTAL FIRE BAN
i knew lighting fires was a major component of camping. i just didnt realise how big a component it was.
it turns out camping is 90% about the fire.
nothing to cook on, no light, no foraging during the day, no warmth, no silly accidents, nothing.
big deal dwellingup almost burnt down over summer. how the hell am i going to have fun camping?

i will just have to burn twice as much stuff next year round
if i can be bothered going

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 15:20:48 GMT

i dont know why but i've had a general feeling of optimism for the last 3 or 4 months
it just feels like everythings coming up millhouse
i mean nothing has actually happened. my situations the same, my lifestyles the same
its not like "i once was lost but now im found" type of thing. i always felt pretty good, but now there's an expectation of things to come

not only is jesus christ the answer for my life, he's also the answer for your life.
hahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahahahahahaha
but seriously i dont believe in god, i can just never get past that advert.

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 15:04:52 GMT

i am the leader of the free-world

........see just because i say i am doesn't mean that i am

come here my beautiful african queen

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 13:47:03 GMT

i think in public im prone to thinking people are more attractive than they actually are.
frequently i feel intimidated that there are lots of pretty people around. it just seems though that at closer inspection they just aren't as good looking as i first thought
phew

there can beeee only oneeee

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 15:44:10 GMT

i went to ambar on saturday night to check it out
i had to do some breakbeats research before i went so i didn't look a fool
turns out my fears were realised but inconsequential

school started today. i have a total of 9 contact hours and im full time. i managed to get it into 2 days. monday for 5, tuesday for 4
so now i feel i dont have to pay the exorbitant parking fees
last year $64
this year, $90something. how do you justify that
why don't they just scrap all parking except for 50 bays and then sell them off for $100 000 a year. that way they wouldn't even have to patrol as many bays. and the people that manage to get a bay in the great lotto could sublet them for $308 for a 12.5% return
i'll stick to my scooter and free parking, and if it rains i'll pay the $9 a week it would cost me to pay park

did he just write a post on school and parking??
oh no he didunt

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 15:56:39 GMT

i've been playing a lot of mahjong and it seems a lot of white guys choose to have the red dragon symbol tattooed onto themselves
i thought
'no way man. no way am i gonna copy that. i'll do something even more original and heartfelt (read: superficial)'
so i went along to applecross tattoos
the only place you can get some ink done AND sit back for a quiet crack pipe
and i got this

i've got that pregnant women glow

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 15:06:14 GMT

i do like large bottoms

mmmm mmmm
the larger the better
so you can imagine how much i like ants

thinking of which i've always wanted to try osterich riding
bouncing along over those two thick lucious thighs

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 13:40:05 GMT

i went surfcating the other day

it was just me, the surf, the wind in my hair, friendly rays of sunlight and a circling bull shark
i got there and spoke to the operator guy ready to blab about how i had done my tl1and 3 at school and that "yes sir i can sail sir. you just HAVE to give me a go sir." but all he asked was if i had any experience.
i felt deflated
especially since lifejackets were optional. it just seemed so not unsafe
to top it off i watched some 11 year old kids sail and they did a much better job than me
till i slit their fucking sails.
a man can dream

it was pretty fun which is just as well seeing as they were "funcats" or wavedancers or some other exciting name
now im gearing up for some april camping. i bought a flask today

i also got a little saucepan so that i could deepfry my vegetarian chicken and leave the oil in the pan for later use
its telfon though and i watched an alarmist expose that said if i over heated it, it might release toxins into my food and kill me.
seeing as im super heating oil in it there is a possible case
in any instance i like the chicken vegetable too much to stop

well that just about fills in whatever gaps i may have left in my posting over the last months

god bless am... australia

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 04:05:19 GMT

i've never felt right about strong emotions like patriotism and religion. they both seem to be a little akin to racism and other junk
it all seems a little us and them
i always thought that the perception of australia was that they just got on with the job. no complaining, not really perturbed by what people said or thought.
thats probably wrong. perhaps it was never like that
but to me it just seems like there are a lot of people too caught up.

im wearing my flag underwear, a flag tattoo, flag hat, flag singlet, flag shorts. i've got a flag(on) of coffee and of course my flag cape.
i like to raise and salute the flag every morning before refusing to serve non australians or australians with apathetic views at my australian store. my favourite song is queen - champions because of course we are the champions of the world.
i don't like shops open on sundays because its the family day. i dont care if people cant shop other days or want a little consumer freedom/choice. its a family day for the family unit.
the only problem with australia is lack of water, lack or christian morales, too many non australian or australian foreign sympathiser and those "do gooders". people should be killed for all crimes except speeding. if caught speeding once they should be thrashed. if caught a second time thats when they should die. i mean its the australian way to give everyone a fair go right?
remember if you're not with us, you're against us

boy it sure feels nice to exist in the centre of the universe with no problems

i dont think patriotism is wrong.
i think maybe a little smugness is fine when australia wins something or if someone from overseas praises an aspect of australia
but overly outward or strong displays are gross

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 14:50:40 GMT

i's got's an myspace

my myspace email is seascoutmaster@gmail.com
name iain

check it
and possibly befriend me. its currently a very lonely space

i'll never be your obese burden

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 04:54:44 GMT

you know how when you're semi asleep crazy logic applies
take this morning for instance.
after a heap of early mornings i thought i would just let myself sleep till whatever time necessary
i woke up at 11 but still felt like i wanted more sleep
so i drifted back
10 minutes later i woke again
this sort of cycle happened until 11.40 when i felt afraid maybe i would sleep past 12.
"no" i said to myself. "its ok, each little segment of sleep represents (i dont know what it represented) and you've had little sleeps for each of those (representative things), so you can't possibly sleep past 12"

quota filled and problem solved. kind of

when tuckers daughters a memory. or in a telephone booth on a highway

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 15:18:07 GMT

i went to the raffles intending on having one $10 over-priced pint.
i ended up having my pint, pizza, coffee, a gin martini and two measures of quality scotch..... for the princely sum of my original $10
i feel like king of the world
if the king was easily pleased........ and had to walk home........... and didn't expect the same treatment tomorrow........ - and if by king you envisioned some inbred fool - (not me)

so cervantes. i don't want to talk badly of it. it had some things going for it

ummm

yeah the wind. it had lots of uhhh wind.
you cant have enough wind

and uh space. lots of space in cervantes

there was lots of ugly women too. i guess it has that going for it. its a positive because.... let me think of a positive spin..... because they like isolation

did i mention my sister and mum used to say i was misogynous

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 15:06:02 GMT

wow.
hall and oates continues to impress

my mining escapade finished prematurely
the drill rig was a relic
i think i could drill more with a hand-drill from wood work classes
i did eat well though. ill list stuff later

one thing i did happen across that i never want to see again is ticks. sure doesnt sound like a big deal but i would prefer spiders to lay thousands of baby spiders in my skull before i want another tick sucking away the source of my life.
but seriously, hall and oates

i also passed all this semesters units.
that means i only have 6 units left, which means that i am only 27.3596692 years behind where i anticipated being at this age

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 15:09:00 GMT

Have you seen this cat?!?

Wanted for grievous bodily harm and sexual penetration

As you can see the victim is in shock and was clearly defenceless against this unwarranted cat attack.

When asked about the circumstances of this heinous crime, this is what the victim had to say about it,
"everything was fine. we were jus chillin on the couch. the cat all of a sudden became cagey and agitated. it was lying on my chest
and i wasn't entirely comfortable. i asked it to move. it looked at me with those souless eyes. it was then i told it i wasn't comfortable and that
we should 'cool it'. i wasn;t ready nor in the mood for what it had in mind. i made to get up and it just went crazy and attacked. i blacked out after that"

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 14:19:11 GMT

i assembled a simmer-sauce curry
all i had to prepare was the chicken

i think i poisoned myself
this supports my idea that food tastes better and is better for my health if someone else prepares it for me.

i go and work for an exploration company for a two week drill program on the 9th of december. it will be hot with ticks all over the place. i can't wait. the best part is the pub dinners they eat every night. for some reason pub dinners are always an attractive option, possibly due to the fat content.

this was just two weeks i could fit in.
depending on how well exam results went, i could be doing this full time!!!
what a prospect for a potential prospector

you've blown it all sky high by telling me a lie

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:02:30 GMT

i had headache

thats where it started
thank god i googled headache
as it turns out i've self diagnosed and i have marphans disease, kidney disease, pancreatic cancer, colon cancer, lung cancer, heart arrythmia, motor neuron disease, possible type 2 diabetes, gential warts, herpies, an iron deficiency and im also going through menopause

lucky i checked up myself and got all that out the way eh???

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 15:22:24 GMT

my plan to compete in the world strong man competition is fully under way

a few years ago there came a mop revolution from scandinavian countries in the form of speical mops.
special mops with special micro things
tooth brushes have remained unchanged for a whole lot of time except for the tongue scraper and shock absorbing heads

maybe its time they combined micro fibres and tooth brushes
brushes dont really get to the source
it would be different if plaque were like sand
but its not, its more like baked on cooking grime

ill draw a picture later to better illustrate
i'm glad im tackling big issues
incidently its exam period

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 14:54:39 GMT

last night was eerily dark
eerily

subjects for songs

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 15:40:02 GMT

a splurge of creativity has engulfed me like a vagina engulfing........ i dunno. something suitably dramatic and
engulfable

as you can see though my analogies and syntax leave much to be desired
i thought "yeah you've never had or shown any musical inclination or drawing/writing prowess, so why not write a song
or story. maybe draw something?

when that failed i turned to alternatives
woodworking seemed attractive till i decided it was too fiddly. this was even after i had proposed spending my tax refund
on a circular saw

all of my artistic aspirations can be summed up by this anecdote:

when i was 6 i wanted a guitar more than anything. i saved $20!!!!!!!! no mean feat for a 6yo on $2 a week for
kangaroo creek. so i saved 20 bucks and mum paid the other half of a second-hand acoustic guitar. i got it home,
was taken to one lesson, decided lessons were for losers and stashed the guitar. then i had it confiscated after i
was caught standing over it strumming it with a star-picket

fortunately my true passion is money and the things it can buy
i know whats really sentimental and important